


Tell Me, My Love

by TheMedJack



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: Blood and Gore, Closeted Character, Eddie Kaspbrak Lives, Eddies feelings are unknown, Heavy Angst, I'll just let myself out, I'm so sorry for this, Internal Monologue, M/M, Major Character Injury, Mild Language, POV Richie Tozier, Poetry, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, Richie Tozier Saves Eddie Kaspbrak, Semi-poetry I guess, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-08
Updated: 2020-03-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:07:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23072944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheMedJack/pseuds/TheMedJack
Summary: We both deserve our happy endings, don’t we?I know you’ll find one, in time.I just wish I could fucking be there to see it.I want to see it all.The good, the bad, and everything in between.I want to live.I want to live with everything I have.But I can't, Eddie.There’s so much blood.OR: Richie's final stream of consciousness after sacrificing himself to save Eddie.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 24
Kudos: 47





	Tell Me, My Love

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry for this. 
> 
> This idea has been floating around in my head for at least two weeks now and it's nothing but pure angst and pain. So, consider this your warning. Please tread lightly with this one as there is NOT a happy ending and there are multiple potential triggers:
> 
> [TW: Past Suicide Attempt, Suicidal Thoughts, Serious Injuries, Blood/Gore, Major Character Death]
> 
> Here we go...

what do you believe in eds 

will you tell me  
spare me a laugh  
humor lil ol’ me just one last time 

i wish you’d tell me  
because i haven’t got a fucking clue 

and i’m not ready to find out eddie i’m not 

so i need you to tell me  
can you do that for me  
it’s okay if you need a minute to think about it 

how about i go first

is that okay 

you look so scared eddie please  
your hands are shaking so bad 

please

eddie please don’t cry 

it’s gonna be okay 

i’m right here 

i always was

even when i didn’t remember you  
it’s like you were standing right there beside me  
watching over me  
telling me to get out of bed and shower and eat and- 

and smile 

because we both know i couldn’t always do those things on my own 

but maybe you didn’t know that  
it’s not like i ever told you  
i never told anyone

i hated my pathetic fucking life eddie 

i wasn’t happy 

i wasn’t loved 

i wasn’t really living  
not really 

after forgetting derry i thought i had nothing  
nothing except for me and my secret  
i never told you that either  
i’m sorry about that  
i’m so fucking sorry  
i wanted to tell you eddie i wanted to tell you everything 

i wanted to show you what i did  
at the bridge

after all of this was over 

but i guess i waited too long huh  
that’s okay  
it doesn’t matter  
it wasn’t important  
not now anyways 

i only just remembered you existed two days ago after all 

funny isn’t it  
how much has happened since then  
things are so different now man

they’re better. 

yes, even now, dipshit.  
with this hole in my chest and blood pouring down my clothes.  
how hard would you punch me if i said i looked like your moms vagina on halloween?  
hehe, pretty hard, probably. 

but seriously.  
it’s fine, really.  
i’m fine.  
eddie, i’m serious, it’s okay.  
please stop crying.  
please.  
please, just.  
stop fucking crying.  
please.  
eds, i’m begging.  
no more tears for me.  
it doesn’t really hurt that much anymore.  
i’m okay. 

you have to understand, eddie. 

i had nothing before coming back here. 

people out there, they know my name.  
they know my face.  
but none of that makes any fucking difference to me eddie. 

i was so fucking lonely. 

i was in so much pain. 

it hurt so damn much to wake up to a world that didn’t truly care about me.  
not the one everyone else always saw onstage.  
but the real me. 

they say the funniest people have the most tragic lives, you know.  
have you ever heard that before?  
because i think i meet the criteria. 

i stumbled along, trying to find my way.  
lost.  
alone.  
terrified. 

i managed for a while, but one day, i-  
i tripped.  
i fell down this hole and it was so, so dark eddie.  
i couldn’t find the way out.  
and after a while?  
i just. 

gave up.

i don’t remember that night very well.  
like how i ended up on the floor of my bathroom.  
empty pill bottle in one hand.  
shards of glass sticking out from the other.  
i’d punched the mirror before i passed out.  
not sure why.  
but there was blood.  
a lot of it. 

someone found me not long after when i didn’t answer the door.  
i don’t even remember who.  
a neighbor, maybe?  
or maybe it was my manager.  
maybe i missed a show.  
but anyways.  
that’s beside the point. 

wanna know what i do remember from that night, eds?

i remember nothing. 

not nothing in a sense that i can’t recall it.  
no, this was different. 

you know how in the movies they say you see your life flash before your eyes right before you die?

i remember waiting for that moment.  
i sat there, bleeding out, letting the drugs take over.  
but it never came.  
it never fucking came eddie.  
when the darkness finally took over i saw a huge load of nothing. 

i saw nothing.  
felt nothing. 

but i guess that’s my own fault, isn’t it?  
i had no attachments.  
nobody i loved.  
nobody i cared for.  
i was so afraid of people finding out my secret that i never let anyone in.  
and if they ever got too close to me i shut them out.  
drove them away, if i had to.  
didn’t matter if that made me an asshole.  
because at least i sealed them out before they learned the truth about me.  
i was convinced they’d hate me, if they ever found out. 

i didn’t see the point in living because i had nothing worth holding onto. 

i never understood why i felt that way until i came back here.  
faced the clown again, remembered what he used to say to me.  
turns out he was the real asshole that whole damn time.  
fucking figures. 

make sure you get in there and kick his ass real good for me, alright eds?  
really give it to’m.  
i know you’ve got it in you. 

you’re braver than you think, spaghetti man.

seems like you’re finally starting to believe that yourself.  
i’m glad, eddie.  
i’m really fucking glad.  
i’m so proud of you. 

seeing you again, after all this time?  
telling me to go fuck myself? pointing those fingers at me? laughing at my jokes when you thought i wasn’t looking? stabbing bowers in the fucking chest? looking out for all of us? for me?

eddie, you’re the bravest man i’ve ever met. 

eddie. 

Eddie. 

there’s something i need to tell you, Eddie.  
Eddie listen to me.  
please stop crying.  
you’re screaming my name, Eddie.  
please, please stop screaming.  
i need to make sure you hear this.  
remember that little secret i mentioned?  
the one i never told anybody about?  
i want to tell you now, if that’s alright.  
i need you to hear it before i go.  
i can feel it coming.  
it’s soon, i think. 

fuck, here it goes. 

I love you. 

I love you with all my heart, Eddie. 

I’m so fucking sorry I never grew a pair and told you before this all went to shit. 

Please don’t be mad at me. 

Eddie, please. 

It’s okay, remember?

I’m fine.  
I’m fine.  
I’m fine.  
Don’t worry about me, okay? 

Eddie. 

Eddie, my love. 

You helped me see.  
You helped me climb out of that dark hole I fell into.  
You pulled me out and bandaged my wounds and helped me walk. 

That was all because of you, Eds. 

And that’s why I’m okay.  
That’s why I’m fine. 

Do you remember what I told you?  
About the last time I laid on the ground, my life slipping away from me as I watched my blood spill onto the floor?  
I told you that I saw nothing as I laid there dying.  
No memories, no faces, no feelings. 

But Eddie.  
It’s not like that this time.  
When I pushed you out of the way and I felt It’s claw tear through my chest like it was nothing. 

I knew. 

I knew what would happen next. 

But none of that mattered.  
I knew it wouldn’t because when It flung me across the cavern and sent me tumbling down into that crevice, it happened. 

I could see it so clearly. 

It was you, Eddie. 

When I closed my eyes, I saw your face.  
Yours, and all the other Loser’s faces along with it.  
You were all smiling back at me.  
Nobody had ever looked at me that way before now. 

It wasn’t until then that I realized you were all what was missing from my life.  
That empty hole in my heart that I could never fill no matter how hard I tried.  
The missing piece that’s finally back where it belongs.  
It feels really good, Eds. 

I’d forgotten what it felt like to feel loved.  
To feel wanted.  
Seen.  
Heard. 

To feel like I truly belong somewhere. 

Thank you for that, Eds.  
I mean it.  
From the bottom of this dumb fool’s heart.  
I owe you one, buddy.  
But I guess I already repaid the favor, huh? 

Oh come on, Eddie.  
It’s a joke.  
Lighten up for me.  
You’re not the one sprawled out on the ground, leaking your organs everywhere, are you?  
No, I didn’t think so.  
Your crying rights have been revoked.  
Rules are rules. 

Shit, Eddie, I’m sorry, I was just kidding-  
Please, don’t say that.  
It wasn’t your fault.  
Eddie look at me.  
None of this was your fucking fault.  
You hear me, fuckface?  
Eddie I swear if you say that again I’m gonna haunt your ass for the rest of eternity-  
Okay, okay.  
No more jokes.  
Sorry. 

Beep fucking beep. 

I guess.  
I guess I’m just. 

Ugh, shit. 

Can I admit something? 

Eddie, I-

I’m scared, man. 

I’m so fucking scared right now and I’ve never felt this way before in my entire life and my hands won’t stop shaking and it’s getting so much harder to breathe and my eyes, my fucking eyes are getting so goddamn heavy and it’s taking so much strength to hold them open Eddie and I feel so cold, I’m so fucking freezing and I don’t know what comes next but I don’t want to know yet I’m not ready yet please Eddie I don’t want to be alone Eddie please, please don’t leave me here alone I don’t want to go, I don’t want to go, Eddie please, don’t let me go, can we just-

Can we just-

Can we just stay here?  
A little while longer?  
I’m so sorry, that’s so selfish of me.  
I’m sorry.  
I’m so fucking sorry. 

But will you-  
Will you hold my hand?  
Is that okay?  
Thank you, Eddie. 

Your hands are so warm. 

It’s just that, after so long, after so much fucking shit, I finally have you with me, Spaghetti.  
You’re what I’ve been missing all this time but it’s okay because I have you now.  
After all those nights I spent alone in the dark.  
You’re with me, your hands coated with my blood as you hold me close. 

I could hold you like this forever. 

And fuck, Eddie, I want to.  
I want to wrap you in my arms for the rest of time and never let go again. 

I’ve never wanted something like this before.  
And I guess this is my tragedy.  
Finally faced with the love I’ve been searching for, only to have it ripped from my grasp as soon I get close enough to caress it.  
Sounds pretty Shakespeare-worthy to me, doesn’t it, Eds? 

Right, no jokes.  
Sorry. 

But it’s the truth, Eddie.  
I didn’t feel this way the last time I laid still, bleeding out on the cold ground. 

Eddie, listen. 

Eddie, I-

I want to live. 

I want to fucking live. 

I finally found the purpose I’d been searching for after so many years.  
And it’s here, with you, in your arms.  
I don’t want this to end, Eddie.  
Not right as it’s just beginning.  
It’s not fucking fair.  
We both deserve our happy endings, don’t we?  
I know you’ll find one, in time.  
I just wish I could fucking be there to see it.  
I want to see it all.  
The good, the bad, and everything in between.  
I want to live.  
I want to live with everything I have. 

But I can't, Eddie.  
There’s so much blood. 

There’s so much blood and it’s all over my clothes and my face and my glasses I can barely fucking see you through these goddamn lenses and it’s so dark and loud and cold and I just want to see your face I just want to look into your eyes just one last time and remember the good old days from when we were kids, from before we grew up and life became a real bitch because none of you were in it anymore, and fuck, Eddie my blood is all over your hands now too I’m so sorry, I never meant for any of this to happen, you know that right, I never meant to do this I just wanted to save you Eddie I just wanted to make sure you’d make it out of here alive because you’re the most important person in the world to me and I love you so fucking much-

This is where my road ends, Eds. 

It’s okay.  
No, please, don’t cry.  
Just hold me, Eddie.  
Please.  
I just want to feel your hands on mine.  
As long as you’re here with me.  
As long as you’re safe.  
I’m okay. 

It’s getting so fucking cold.  
I can’t move my legs.  
They’re still there though I think.  
Yeah, they’re there.  
But it’s okay.  
Your hands are keeping me so warm.  
Thank you for that. 

Hey, Eds.  
You know what’s funny?  
Well, I guess it isn’t that funny.  
I just know that if I don’t take a funny perspective on this I might finally crack.  
Don’t wanna do that in front of you, Eds.  
I wanna make sure you know I’m okay.  
Even if I’m not. 

Eddie, I spent my entire goddamn life searching for a meaning.  
It’s just funny that I always had one, even when I couldn’t remember it. 

I wanted to feel loved, Eds. 

I wanted to find someone to love. 

And you Losers were all out there that entire time, ready to do so without hesitation, like you were right there waiting for me.  
I’m glad we were able to find each other again, Eddie, even if it took almost thirty goddamn years to do it.  
Being at your side again reminded me of what love truly is.  
And it’s so much more than I could ever put into words, but I’m gonna try. 

Love is lending me and nobody else your prized copy of your favorite comic book so I can read it. It’s saving a spot for you on the hammock so we can chat about it later that same day. It’s packing extra band-aids when you see me leave with my skateboard in hand. It’s letting you copy my math homework when you couldn’t figure out the problems yourself. It’s whispering stories to me in the dark of night, when everyone else is fast asleep in their sleeping bags. It’s stopping by the grocery store after school to buy you that one granola bar you like without any of those chemicals you’re allergic to. It’s going to see that stupid action movie with me when it comes out because you know how much I’ve been dying to see it. It’s not driving above the speed limit because I know how nervous you get when I speed, even when there aren’t any cops around. 

It’s those lingering hugs, those gentle touches, those secret glances as we pass in the hallway.

The same ones we shared when we came back to Derry those few short days ago. 

You noticed them too, right? 

Maybe it’s just hope, Eddie, or me being blinded by how stupidly in love I am with you.  
But I think that, maybe, you felt it too. 

I know there was something there, Eddie. 

Even if it wasn’t the exact same kind of love I feel for you.  
That I’ve always felt for you.  
You still cared regardless.  
Thank you, Eddie.  
For caring. 

Fuck, I’m getting dizzy.  
I can still see you, but you’re starting to get a little blurry there, Eds.  
I need to ask you something while I still can.  
If it’s not too much to ask.  
Can you do just one more favor for your old pal Richie?  
It’s nothing big, but.  
It would really mean the world to me if you could do it.  
Or try to, at least. 

Will you smile for me, my love?

Please, Eddie?  
Will you try?

Oh-  
Oh, Eds.  
There you are.  
You’re so beautiful when you smile.  
I’m sorry I never told you that until now, but it’s the truth. 

I’m going to remember you like this.  
If I can remember anything at all, that is, wherever I go after this. 

I’m going to remember you as the loud, ruthless, loyal boy I grew up with, and the still very loud, secretly-compassionate, crazy-brave man I’ve come to know in these short days.  
I wish I had more time to know the rest of you, but this will have to do. 

And that’s okay. 

Because you’re alive. 

Shit, Eds, I think they need your help.  
It sounds like they’re in trouble.  
You should go, go help them and get the fuck out of here while you can.  
It’s okay.  
I’ll be okay over here, I promise.  
I’m getting pretty tired anyways, I think I’m gonna close my eyes for a while.  
You don’t need to worry about me anymore. 

I’ll be okay.  
And so will you. 

Time’s up, Eduardo.  
I wish we had more, believe me, but this is where it ends.  
So I know I already asked you one favor, but I’m gonna ask another, alright?  
And I’m not giving you the option to back out of this one, so don’t even fucking think about it, dickwad.  
I need you to haul your ass over there, kick that clown’s face in, and get yourself and everyone else the fuck out of here. 

And after that, I need you all to go home to your families.  
Go give that wife of yours a kiss for me.  
I doubt she knows how lucky she is.  
To have someone like you. 

Sorry for getting all that blood on your cheek, Eds.  
I just wanted to hold your face.  
And not the side with the bandage this time, I remembered.  
Not like you’re already covered in my blood.  
What’s a little more gonna do? 

Now please, Eddie.  
You have to go now, I mean it.  
Please don’t make this harder than it already is. 

That’s it, buddy. 

Go on. 

I’ll be alright over here, I promise.  
No need to worry about lil ol’ Richie.  
He’s tough, just like you.  
He’ll be okay. 

But Eddie, before you go-  
We never got around to your turn.

So tell me sweetheart, my dearest love, what do you believe in? 

Do you believe that, somewhere out there, in another life, in another time…  
...I could have been free to love you? As a friend? As family? As a lover?  
I’d really like to think so, Eddie.  
I think I’m gonna believe that for now.  
At least until I drift off, knowing that you’re safe. 

It’s so cold without your hands on mine, Eddie.  
I know you have to leave, but I wish you’d come back.  
If just for another short moment. 

I’m so afraid, Eds.

I know you can’t hear me, Eddie.  
You’re running to help the others now.  
Then you’re going to kill that motherfucking clown.  
You’re all going to be okay.  
And knowing this is enough for me to push that fear away.  
Just like the way you did, Spaghetti Man. 

I’m so cold.  
I think it’s happening.  
I think this might be it, Eddie.  
Fuck. 

I have to ask, before I slip away.  
I need to know. 

Eddie, my love, do you believe that we are destined?

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry. 
> 
> I told you it was rough. 
> 
> Feel free to yell at me in the comments, and if that's not enough, you can also do so on tumblr and twitter.  
> Tumblr: @marvellsvalkyrie  
> Twitter: @beepbeepjess
> 
> If you're feeling _really_ sad I do have a Chapter Two fix-it posted on here to make up for the pain I've brought you.


End file.
